You are Too Young for a Girlfriend, Mister!

Sometimes while life is passing you by, you don’t notice how much your kids are growing until something happens to remind you of it.

The other day at lunch, Logan and I had the following conversation.

Logan: I want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Oh, really? What is a girlfriend?

Logan: A wife.

Me: (Ah huh, that’s news to me. Where did he get that idea?) So why do you want a girlfriend?

Logan: So I can put my babies in her tummy. That is where babies grow, you know.

Me, trying my best not to laugh: Where did you hear about girlfriends? (And please don’t ask how the babies get out! Or how you put them in!! Dear God, he’s only six!)

Logan: “Lady and the Tramp“. Lady was his girlfriend and wife and then they had puppies.

Me: I see. (Damn you, Disney. I’m not ready for this.)

Logan: I really want a girlfriend.

Me: Oh, well maybe when you’re older you’ll get a girlfriend, okay? Now finish your lunch. (Whew, no more questions. Maybe he should stick to cartoons that don’t show marriage, relationships, dating…gee, that’s pretty much all of them. )

 

Sheesh, sometimes I wish it was as easy for humans as it is for dogs. I’ve got my hands full with preparing him to be a good boyfriend and teaching him how to treat girls right, plus ensuring no babies are put into girlfriends tummies until he is old enough to handle the responsibility. And the girlfriend is in agreement. And he has his own place. And a job. Is 40 too old?

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Fruitcake Recipe Miscalculation Adventure

This year I had a near-disaster with my Christmas fruitcakes: I ended up with too much batter due to a mental lapse and miscalculation. The story itself is quite funny.
 
I had finally put together my perfect fruitcake recipe. I tested it and everyone liked it so I prepared to make a larger batch to cover all my cakes at once. I only have a small oven, so of course, the pans are small (7″). My recipe makes enough for two of these pans or one larger pan – but that is what I forgot about when I began to calculate the ingredients I would need for 6 cakes – the amount I meant to make.
 
So instead of multiplying the recipe by 3, I did it by 6, meaning I would get 12 cakes out of it with the size pans I was using. Even when buying the ingredients, it didn’t register that 3 kgs. each of fruit and flour and 24 eggs was more than I meant to use.
 
I dug out my biggest pots to mix it all in. One was already full of the fruit I had presoaked in rum, and by the time I had mixed in enough flour to coat it all, the pot was overflowing.
 

I mixed the dry ingredents in another pot and the wet ones in a third pot.

 

As you can see, each of the pots were full up and it wasn’t going to be possible to mix everything together in one pot. I think it was around there that I realised my mistake, but there was no going back now that I had begun.

I began to think hard about how I could put it all together. The only item in the house large enough to mix everything in was the shower bucket. Before you freak out and think “gross”, I scrubbed it with Lysol and then washed it with dishsoap, so it was very clean (on the inside) when I used it. And yes, I had to mix it with my hand as it was a thick batter, just the way a fruitcake batter should be, but in the largest quantity I had ever seen. I hadn’t planned on mass producing cakes.

 
As I stood there elbow-deep in fruitcake batter, all I could do was laugh and make sure I got pictures of the whole thing. Once it was mixed, I was able to transfer it into the pots again and get the bucket back to its rightful place in the bathroom.
 
 

It took me two days to bake all 12 cakes and I’ve ended up with more than I planned on, but maybe I will end up needing them. At least half will be given away to friends and taken to school by the kids but the rest are for us. Maybe I should save some of them for next year.

Famous Sayings by My Kids

I got the idea for this post from Helene who blogs at I’m Living Proof That God Has a Sense of Humor where she writes about her life with two sets of twins. She asked her kids to finish some famous sayings, with hillarious results, so I thought I’d see what mine came up with. Here are their answers. Keep in mind that Logan is only 4 1/2 and Lila is 3, and while it is obvious they didn’t quite catch what I wanted them to do, some of the answers did come out funny.

Logan’s answers:

Don’t change horses….for the temple.

Strike while the… (he had  no answer for this one)

It’s always darkest before….school starts. (This was my favorite one.)

Never underestimate the power of….God.

You can lead a horse to water but…she can drink it.

Don’t bite the hand…that’s very bad.

No news is…penned.

A miss is as good as a…ball.

You can’t teach an old dog….walking.

If you lie down with dogs…you have to go to sleep.

Love all, trust….(points to mouth). Yeah, trust your mouth.

The pen is mightier than the…bee.

An idle mind is….a bath find.

Where there’s smoke there’s….happiness.

Happy the bride who…be’s so sweet.

A penny saved is…a coin.

Two’s company, three’s….a three.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…God is saying.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…get into bed.

There are none so blind as…you can’t see.

Children should be seen and not…mean.

If at first you don’t succeed….you don’t bleed.

You get out of something only what you….need.

When the blind lead the blind…you get lost.
.

A bird in the hand…is a quail.

Better late than….it’s not better to get up then.

Lila’s answers: (she quite obviously didn’t get what we were doing.)

Don’t change horses….cows. Cows eat grass.

Strike while the…elephant eats grass.

It’s always darkest before….we wake up.

Never underestimate the power of….the power go off.

You can lead a horse to water but…they run in the water.

Don’t bite the hand…you broke it.

No news is…a present.

A miss is as good as a…to catch the ball.

You can’t teach an old dog….to get the man and the kitties.

If you lie down with dogs…you bark and bite.

Love all, trust….the mirror.

The pen is mightier than the…scissors.

An idle mind is….an egg car, like a chicken.

Where there’s smoke there’s…the cats.

Happy the bride who…ride the horse.

A penny saved is…I don’t know.

Two’s company, three’s….a black pin.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…7, 14, 19

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…get up and show your ouchie, like this one here. (Shows me her ouchie.)

There are none so blind as…the car.

Children should be seen and not…on a train.

If at first you don’t succeed….owl flies.

You get out of something only what you….do cooking.

When the blind lead the blind…it’s big enough.

.
A bird in the hand…is fly away to the nest with the baby bird.

Better late than….the train talking.

Look Who Thinks He Knows Best

Logan has reached the point in life when kids begin to notice when someone is doing something wrong (real or imagined) and has started reporting to me what he sees. Usually it is just little things, like what Scarlett is putting in her mouth or something Lila is getting into. Nothing big, but most of the time helpful things that I would miss if he didn’t catch them, plus the occasional report on Lila to get her into trouble so he can have his way.
But he also thinks he needs to report on daddy … .

The other day I served popcorn for snack and gave Logan and Lila strict instructions to not give any to Scarlett. Lila loves to feed Scarlett so I have to be clear about which foods she can’t have. I left them at the table and went to hang the laundry.
Glad was home and had sat to eat with them, so I didn’t go in right away when I heard Logan calling me. I finished hanging the laundry and as soon as I got in, Logan piped up with, “Daddy is giving popcorn to Scarlett and you said no.” Ha. He, of course, wasn’t giving her the whole thing, just the soft part, but Logan was convinced daddy was breaking my rule and felt it was his job to point it out to me.

I still can’t believe this rascal will be 4 next month!

Bulberry Mush

Yes, I know this is my third post today, but it is too cute to not share.

I was getting the kids ready for bed and Logan was singing. First it was “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, then he switched to “Mulberry Bush”.

Logan: Here we go wound the bulberry bush.

Me: It’s mulberry bush.

Logan: The muborry bush. No, the bubory bush.

Me: Mulberry bush.

Logan: Here we go wound the bulberry mush.

I was laughing too hard to correct it.

Does Santa Claus Exist?


Newspaper reprint

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah’s Witness, or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 373 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. So, for each Christian household with a good child. Santa has around 1 / l000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. (That’s really why it’s pointless to stay up and watch for him).
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second – 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315.015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now!

Have a Merry Christmas!

A Christmas Funny for You

Pants Falling Off?

The other day while out on a walk, I was coming out of a store when a bunch of people started shouting something about “trousers”. Since they were talking in Tamil I didn’t have a clue what they were going on about. Was there something wrong with my pants? Then some people ran up to me, pointing to Logan.

Then I looked and saw his pants and diaper were around his ankles. I can’t figure out how that happened. I had the baby in the carrier so it wasn’t so easy to get Logan to hold still while I fixed his diaper (a cloth diaper) back on and pulled up his pants. He kept trying to take them off like he usually does when they are around his ankles, and I was trying to get them up, and this man was trying to help me. I don’t think he had kids as he didn’t know what he was doing. On top of it the baby was fussy and I was trying to get home in a hurry before she started her full blown wail for food, which she did a few minutes later.

Life with children is never dull.

Future George of the Jungle

Have I told you how much Logan likes animals? Today on our walk we saw some goats (you can see almost any kind of animal on the streets here) and he was so excited. He did what he usually does – laugh in his excited way and kick his legs. He does that every time he sees or hears the dog in our house. I’ve got to take him to the zoo one of these days, just to see his reaction at so many animals in one place.

He also loves it when you make animal noises, and the only way to get him to smile for the camera is to make animal noises, while at the same time trying to hold the camera steady. It is not so easy but the only way to get a good smile from him. Otherwise he will only smile after the flash and the look on his face will be serious.

Here is Logan with his new friend, Sinbad. He will pull the dog’s ears, pinch his eyes, and pull his fur, but the dog just backs away from him or licks his hand. I don’t know how this dog puts up with it. I am always admonishing him to be gentle, but he still doesn’t get the idea.


Bathtime.

Daddy and Logan playing peekaboo by the bed.

Oh, I just remembered, Logan can stand up now. Not by himself, but he pulls himself into a standing position and balances very well. He can do it very quickly now. Sometimes in the night I will wake up to find him standing by my bed, usually crying and trying to wake me up. I don’t always hear him as I am so tired by the end of the day but I still can’t get a sound nights sleep with him waking up so much, so sometimes I don’t hear him until after he has been crying for a while. Poor guy. But I need my sleep too. I wish he would sleep through the night without waking up. Can’t wait for the day. I do hope it comes before the next one is born.

I will end this post with something to tickle your funny bone. Hope you like it.

 

What I want to be in my next life…

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup….Gonna be a bear.

‘Tis the Season…

Ahh, December has arrived and that means Christmas is around the corner. My favorite time of year! The thing I miss most at Christmas is snow, but just for the season. I’m happy I don’t have to endure it until March or April like those of you in the frozen north. But every year I wish I could have a little just until after new years.

The other thing I really miss is candy canes. Those don’t exist here in India, and are just as much a part of Christmas for me as snow is. But everything else is here: the trees (ok, so they’re fake but we all know a real fir tree couldn’t hold up for even a few days in Chennai heat), decorations, music, and treats.

Yes, I love those special cakes and chocolates that only come out at Christmas. At the moment I am searching for a fruitcake recipe since I get to bake it this year. It’s been a long time since I baked anything. Well, it was a long time until I baked Logan’s birthday cake. I almost didn’t do it since it had been years since I had done it. Those who know me well know I used to bake often, usually for birthdays, but I also did a few fruitcakes for Christmas. Since coming to India there were always other people who did the baking so I never even gave it a thought. But now here in Chennai I will get my chance.

Well, I like baking so I am going for it. The first step is to find a good recipe as I don’t have one, so I am currently searching the net for a good one. I also hope to try at least one cookie recipe and perhaps I will try rum balls (I love these).

P.S. While searching for a usable recipe, I came across this one that is supposed to be good. Check it out for yourself.

 

The Best Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe You Ever Tried!
Guaranteed to be fun to make!

Christmas Whiskey Cake
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
6 large eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour, sifted
1/2 t. salt
1 cup bourbon
1 pound pecans, chopped
3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)
1 t. nutmeg
AND ~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey ~

 

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Assemble all of the ingredients.

Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat this step.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay… try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl, then chunk in the cup of dried flut.

Mix on the tuner. Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow. Add 2 dried anything.

If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???

Check the whiskey again.

Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts.

Add one table. And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.

Grease the oven. Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Pour the oven into the batter.

Throw the bowl out the window. Lick the batter off the floor.

Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.

Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

Have a Very Merry Christmas!

 

If you try this cake and something goes wrong, don’t blame me. Remember, it was your choice to drink all that whiskey.

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